Submitted by kloud13


A long night of drinking at the bar leaves all five members of Dethklok wasted, yet they deem Nathan sober enough to drive them home on the murdercycle. During the ride, as car accidents occur all around them because of Nathan’s drunk driving, Murderface stands up in his seat to do a little song and dance. He is knocked from his sidecar when Nathan drives too close to a telephone pole and skids quite a distance with his face against the asphalt before being run over by a car. While he is in the hospital, his band mates bring him get-well gifts and Murderface announces that, because of his near-death experience, he wants to become religious. This news causes a rift in The Tribunal when General Crozier argues with Mr. Salatcia that Dethklok should be immobilized before they can become a bigger threat. Later, Crozier and Cardinal Ravenwood secretly meet at Burzums and agree to ally their forces and take down Dethklok without the help of Salatcia, whom they do not trust.

Meanwhile, Murderface meditates on what religion is right for him. Nathan, feeling guilty about the accident, talks the rest of the band into helping him. They first try out Christianity by going to see Prayerbolt, a Christian punk rock band. Toki inadvertently kills the lead singer of the band who is impaled upon a barricade that he knocked over while trying to start a mosh-pit. Next they check out The Church Of The Atheists, but picketing agnostics interrupt the service by starting a fight. After trying out nearly every religion, Murderface settles on the most metal religion of all: Satanism. During his first Satanic mass however, he comes to the realization that all religions are the same. He and the rest of the band take off for the nearest bar, unknowingly leaving behind destruction as the four demons of the apocalypse, which were summoned during the Satanic mass, actually arrive and elsewhere Cardinal Ravenwood prays.







Skwisgaar: Ares yes alrights to drive?
Pickles: Ehhh, he’s fine.

Skwisgaar: Hey uh, I got yous Ken Burns’ civil war documentary, ya know… actually, I think this is yours, I’m just uh, giving it back to you. I uh… never watched it.
Murderface: Thank you.
Toki: And I got you dis: it’s two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that’s why you gets two! Look! (the fish rip each other to shreds)

Nathan: AHHHH! I DID THIS TO YOU! I was driving the murdercycle. It should be me, there, still alive with all those gifts.

Murderface: (chanting) mmmmmreligionnnnnn, religionnnnnn, mmmmmreligionnnnn

Skwisgaar: Pfft, dis is dildos. Doesn’t he knows there’s no such things as religion?
Nathan: You mean you don’t believe in God. There is such thing as religion.
Skwisgaar: Well then proves it! Show me a miracles that religion exists.
Nathan: Well um, there’s a Bible right there.
Skwisgaar: Well, maybe I re-evaluates my life then.

Pickles: Oh come on! I grew up in the Midwest, I don’t need to see another Christian rock band!

Nathan: What kind of church is this?
Pickles: This is the, uh, Church of the Atheists.
Nathan: What does that mean?
Pickles: Oh, it means that they don’t believe in, ya know, uh, God.
Nathan: Oh, like Skwisgaar and Toki?
Skwisgaar: No, we are Nihilists. We don’t believe in anything.
Nathan: Can a Nihilist also not believe in God, too?
Skwisgaar: I don’t know.

Atheist Preacher: Oh God, whom we do not believe in. Let us all not pray for you, who does not exist in any rational realm… oh no, we’re being picketed by Agnostics!

Skwisgaar: Yah, I agree. It always happens: one band member, ya know, becomes religion and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, ya know. The dynamic is all to boom, the magic is gone. It sucks, ya know, but yea I say we kill him.

Satanic Preacher: Okay, this is a Church of Satan, this isn’t a waste paper basket… c-can. So, if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves then we can avoid having, ya know, ants, worms, raccoons… Hail Satan!

Satanic Preacher: Pray now the prayer of revenge! From whom do you seek revenge?
Toki: I seek revenge on Rachael Ray and the Food Network. Can’t you make her eyes fall out or something? Tits fall off?
Satanic Preacher: Satan, grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
Toki: Seriously?
Satanic Preacher: Yes.
Toki: S-seriously?
Satanic Preacher: Yes.
Toki: Really?
Satanic Preacher: Yes.
Toki: Dat’s cool!