Submitted by Johnny_Law
Dethklok is the most powerful band in the world. So powerful in fact, they put on a concert for a single coffee jingle that attracts over 300,000 fans. Due to the brutal nature of Dethklok’s concerts, the fans are required to sign “pain waivers” in the event of a maiming or death during the concert. After some interviews with the fans by the press, Dethklok arrives by helicopter, dropping a large stage to the ground, killing some fans. The show begins, and the band plays their Duncan Hills coffee jingle, resulting in more fans maimed, burned, or killed. Cut to a briefing room: several high profile religious and government figures examine profiles on the members of Dethklok. This Tribunal is concerned when an ancient artifact reveals that Dethklok will bring about the end of the world. They choose to wait and elect to watch Dethklok’s every action.
After Jean-Pierre the chef is shredded by their helicopter, the band realizes they’re going to have to cook for their own dinner. At the grocery store, or “food libraries” as Skwisgaar and Toki call it, each band member handle his list differently. Pickles buys booze while Nathan smashes his head through a meat case; Toki and Skwisgaar argue over tampons, and Murderface urinates in the olive case. Back at Mordhaus, Dethklok still can’t cook a meal without the chef. After some panic and arguing, the band decides to sew their chef back together, giving Nathan an idea for a new song. With the new song and Jean-Pierre cooking dinner again, the band calls it a day.
Pickles: Are you aware of the fate of our last helicopter restaurant chef?
Pickles: They’re trying to tell you that a guy’s face got smashed into a hovercraft…that’s what they’re trying to tell you.
Nathan Explosion: We’re here to make coffee metal! We will make everything metal! Blacker than the blackest black times infinity!
Fan: In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage. Murderface rolled them up and smoked them! Murderface rules!
Nathan: I don’t think all of our employees are cursed…
Pickes: The chefs, the chefs.
Nathan: Well yeah, the chefs are cursed, yeah…yeah.
Toki: Actually, is stills alives.
Murderface: Why don’t we Yanky Doodle Dandy, you know, pull the plug, kill ‘em?
Skwisgaar: What is wrong with this dumb dildos, they give us all the free coffee in the world but with no instruction on how to cook it!
Murderface: Yeah I’m fat, we know that! So one good thing about Jean-Pierre’s being dead is maybe I won’t eat so much and lose these flabby deathhandles!
Toki: I’m starting to get hungries, but it looks like we gonna starves.
Toki: What’s this place called?
Skwisgaar: This is I believes called food libraries.
Pickles: It’s a called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I’m sorry about about douchebags, I got low blood sugar.
Nathan: And don’t just buy booze! That ain’t food.
Murderface: What do you mean “booze ain’t food”? I’d rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
Skwisgaar: Hey Toki, look inside of your basket. Guess whys yours in such a crappy mood? You have ladies tampoons unside of it.
Skwisgaar: Guess what, you are a GMILF, that is a grandmother that I would like to…
Murderface: Come on, don’t be a dick! Be a dude!